Top 5 Ways to Be a Pirate

Tuesday, January 20 2015 @ 12:47 PM

Top 5 Ways to Be a Pirate

It's the dead of winter, and the question on everyone's mind is, "How do I get to the beach?" You could wait it out until Spring Break, or calmly request that your family uproot itself and move to a tropical island, or you could become a pirate and sail from sea to shining sea (or from beach to sandy beach).

Yo ho, yo ho , is the pirate’s life for you? Don’t worry--you don’t need to be plundering or constantly sword fighting or even be on a boat to be a pirate. Here are 5 easy ways you can lead the swashbuckling life.


1. Pick a pirate name. It’s important that your pirate name strikes fear in the hearts of those who hear it, so start by picking an unappealing adjective, like “Dangerous,” “Grizzly,” or “Smelly.” Then, pick a short phrase to describe your adventure scars, like “One-eyed,” “Peg-legged,” or “Paper-cut.” Finally, pick a very scary first name. Viola! You are now Stinky Bald-Spot Vlad or Terrifying Ingrown-Toenail Peggy.


2. Pick a battle wound. Every good pirate has a good battle wound. Captain Hook lost his hand. Long John Silver lost his leg. An unseemly number of pirates lost eyes. You don’t actually have to lose any of your body parts, but you can still wear an eye patch, or use a wooden spoon instead of your hand. Whenever anyone asks what happened, make sure you have an elaborate backstory like, “It happened when we were fighting the Loch Ness Monster off the coast of Sardinia.”


3. Pick a sidekick. Lots of pirates carried parrots on their shoulders, but you don’t need to be locked down by those boundaries. Go through your stuffed animals and pick a great sidekick to safety pin to your shoulder. You don’t need to limit yourself to birds—elephants and koala bears also make great shoulder companions.


4. Make a treasure map. Treasure maps are meant to be cryptic, so write as many riddle-filled directions as you can. Make sure to draw a lot of scary skull and cross bones on the map to deter your enemies from looking for the treasure, and remember, X marks the spot.


5. Sing sea shanties. Every good pirate knows a lot of good sea songs. Great places to learn sea shanties are from pirate movies like Muppet Treasure Island or Peter Pan. And if you’re still struggling, just remember, the alphabet contains “C,” so it is officially a sea song.


Congratulations! You are officially a pirate! And for more pirate fun, check out these videos, here on batteryPOP!

Professor Ambrosius reveals great sea navagations!

Uncle Interloper sails the seven seas!

The gang from TAG! Silver Spoon Blues wonders if the pirates' life is for them. 





By Katie Brookoff